Anyone else super stressed right now? Between Friday the 13th, full moon, the last Friday before spring break, the Covid-19 virus, parent/teacher conferences coming up, cancelled field trips, and the toilet paper crisis, it’s a wonder any of us are sane.
I’m trying to keep it all from affecting my attitude, but as I sit here with a tight chest from stress and anxiety, it isn’t working. I’m reading my Bible in the morning, I’m running again, and I’m trying to drink more water. Not. Helping.
Yet….
As a positive individual, I try to see the silver lining in everything. Everything. But lately, it’s been really hard.
Our 14 year-old son we adopted when he was 9 has seen his share of trouble lately. All self inflicted by the way. None the less it has really hurt my momma heart. I know as parents we are to love unconditionally… and let me tell ya, I do.
“To define unconditional love is to say that a person loves someone unselfishly, that he or she cares about the happiness of the other person and will do anything to help that person feel happiness without expecting anything in return. In other words, the definition of unconditional love is “love without conditions.”
https://www.regain.us/advice/love/what-is-unconditional-love/
As a foster/adoptive parent, the children will not always love you back. Sometimes feeling loved is so foreign to them that they push it, and you away. This is a hard pill to swallow for me.
As a mom, I want to be loved so badly. The kind of love felt by a mother when their newborn is laid on their chest for the first time. The kind of love as a baby nurses and looks deep into your soul, melting your heart. The kind of love when your child runs into your arms after their first day of school. The kind of love after their first dance as they smile and tell you about their crush. I guess… I hoped for the kind of relationship I had with my mom. Or rather, craved from my mom.
Now, don’t get me wrong. I have an amazing relationship with most of my children that is full of heartfelt moments of love. But not with my 14 year-old. And it kills me.
We’ve volunteered together, had date days, ran together, shopped together, played card games together, gone to church together, cooked together, laughed together, and even cried together. I’ve always thought that with abundant love and support, you can heal all wounds and help a person be the best they can be. And yet… It isn’t working. Or maybe it is and I just haven’t seen it yet? I mean that does happen. Right?
And then I read posts from the foster/adoptive Facebook groups of moms having the hardest times with their teens right now. It’s so heartbreaking. We love and want the best for these kids and it feels like nothing is working. The mental health crisis in this country is astronomical. As a family, we tap into every resource we possibly can. Therapy, psychiatrists, church groups, mentors, social groups; you name it.
Basically, we have to accept all of this and just live our lives. But how? How do I mend my broken heart every time my son says horrible things to my face and to others? How do I mend my broken heart every time my son lies and gets himself in so much trouble?
The wedge keeps growing and I don’t like it. I feel guilty. I feel bad. I feel terrible about it all. Yet, I know it’s not my fault.
My purpose in life is hard and sometimes I don’t know what God is doing… wait, all the time I don’t know what God is doing. But I have to trust Him because He does.
Lord give me the strength.
Love, Jessie
true life hot mess mom 