Remember when I said that I’m having a hard time right now… call it the winter blues, call it life, whatever, it just sucks.
Hence needing a reset?
Which is why I have really been taking a long hard look at myself to figure out what I can do to get myself back on the ole up and up.
Contentment
What is contentment you ask? I came across this word while doing a Bible study with some teacher friends. It’s called Grace Changes Everything and is definitely something to check out if you are in education and you constantly feel emptied due to the day to day grind of being a teacher. There’s memory verses, interactive text, as well as videos. It has truly been life changing.
Click the link above and go directly to the book.
This Bible study taught me that “Contentment is a heart issue.”
Let me get a little personal here. I’m a little worried about sharing so much, though I have a lot of momma friends that have adopted from foster care. I am hoping someone will be able to relate.
In 2014, my husband and I became foster parents and accepted our first foster placement in October. He was a 9 year-old “portly” fellow and arrived with two giant black trash bags. He was squirmy, clammy, and nervous. I promptly took him to the grocery store and asked what his favorite foods were and that I would get him anything he wanted. He calmly said, “green apples.” You better believe I got him a whole damn bag of green apples.
Fast forward a few months to December where we were asked if we would take in his 5 year-old sister. She had wild hair and big eyes. We said yes of course. She came with a van full of toys and yes, big black trash bags. She insisted on a happy meal from McDonald’s and immediately called me “Mommy.” She brought a whole new element of sass and trouble that was only caused by the trauma and her previous home life before foster care. But we were in love with the both of them.
Fast forward to October 2015 where we were asked if we would take in their 14 year-old brother. I was a little hesitant about this because of the stigma placed on taking teen placements. They are difficult, angry, and don’t like you. So I was told. We of course said yes. He was taller than me, skinny, and completely goofy.
So then we were a family of 6.
I hit the ground running with doctor’s appointments, visits with biological family, court dates, therapy appointments, and dental check-ups. They were always sick and hurting and took 100% of my attention. I was also getting a master’s degree and completing my fourth year of teaching.
Eventually, all that pushing forward and not dealing with the stress, caught up with me and I hit a deep hard depression. Turned out, I needed therapy just as much as they did.
Fast forward to April 2016, we officially became a family of 6 and adopted 3 children. It was a momentous occasion that I had only dreamed about for a decade. I never thought it would happen. It felt like an eternity! I thought, since I finally had kids of my own, with my name on a birth certificate, that would bring me all the joy I could have ever imagined.
But it didn’t.
Don’t get me wrong. I am absolutely in love with my children; that’s not what I’m saying. I’m simply saying, the whole in my heart that infertility had left didn’t get filled like I thought it would.
So here it is, nearly four years later and I still have this stupid hole in my heart. It constantly lies to me. “You would be happy if you had a baby of your own.” “If only you had a baby, everything would be so full of joy.” “Get tested again, maybe a third opinion would be different.” On and on and on it goes. Spiraling me down into a deep black hole.
You know what happens when you aren’t content? You start to forget about the blessings that are staring right at you. I’m not excited to share this with you. To admit that sometimes I forget about the beautiful children I have staring right at me because sometimes I’m wallowing in self-pity because I can’t produce a human life with my own body.
But it happens.
Enter contentment.
I can be happy where I am, right now by being content with what God has blessed me with. It’s clearly not in my DNA to have my own children, but it definitely is in my DNA to adopt 3 kids, raise another, and love an older child. It’s also in my DNA to love countless students with all of my being as if I am their mother. It’s also in my DNA to love my nieces and nephews with a passion that cannot be broken.
It is my soul purpose that this post will help you take a closer look at the blessings that have been given to you so that you may become more content with where you are as well.
The grass isn’t always greener on the other side of the septic tank.
Love, Jessie
true life hot mess mom 