Self-Loathing

I have a serious problem lately. I’m self-loathing to a fault. I was sitting in front of a mirror today while getting a haircut and I couldn’t help but stare at myself in pure disgust. The black tarp covering my whole body from under my chin to my shins; even my paper white ankles looked awful. I joked with my sweet and stylish hair stylist that I’ve seen jokes about people saying they look awful in front of the mirrors when their hair is wet. She laughed and said she heard that before. What I really wanted to say is that I look terrible, please make me beautiful again.

I love change. I love a good hair cut to make me feel good again. I guess I’m hoping that a good hair cut will fix all my self image problems?????

Ugh! I want to work out, I do! I get real involved and do it consistently for about two weeks and then bam! I hit a wall. I don’t see results and I cave. I give in to my brain saying I can’t do it; I won’t do it. But I WANT to do it.

What fascinates me is our brain chemistry when it comes to food. I honestly have a food addiction. I find great pleasure in eating all things chocolate. Misty even gets annoyed because I verbalize how delicious the food is the WHOLE time I’m eating it. Sorry, but it’s just THAT good.

Why? Why is it THAT good? Why can’t I just eat food for survival instead of desire. I felt a hunger pang today and was confused. What was that? Ewwww. That doesn’t feel good. It rattled me. When was the last time I felt hungry? That’s pretty sad. For me anyway.

I’ve never let food have such a strong hold on me before. I could sit here all night and point out the reasons why I have an eating problem but will that help? How can I honestly get a hold of myself? How can I say ENOUGH?!?!? Everyday is a battle with food. Every. Single. Day. But, I know I’m not alone, so that helps.

There’s always tomorrow. Tomorrow I will eat healthy. Tomorrow I will work out. Tomorrow.